The Legend of Kaepora Gaebora
by Biggoron
Summary: Do you want to know the TRUE story of the gigantic owl that we all know and hate? From his life, to his death, this is the spoof Oneshot of Kaepora Gaebora. You may find it funny... so please R


**-The Legend of Kaepora Gaebora-**

A Oneshot by Biggoron 

Hello, everyone! I'm going to try my hand at a Oneshot by writing a spoof fic on the stupid owl that follows you around EVERYWHERE in Ocarina of Time. Death Mountain Peak? He's there. Lake Hylia? He's there too. Lost Woods? You guessed it, he's there. Desert Colossus? You've seen him there too. So what are the origins of this super stalker owl that's roughly the size of various bosses that you fight? Find out in this fic… inspired when a friend and me recorded Kaepora Gaebora's theme music onto my cell phone and laughed evilly at one in the morning…

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own Kaepora Gaebora, not that I'd want to… and I'd kill myself if I did. Actually, I'd kill _him_, not me. I'm sure you all would, too.

Prologue 

Legends tell the tale of a boy without a fairy, who wandered the world, traveling through forests, mountains, rivers, deserts, darkness, and even time itself, to combat the evil Ganondorf, and save his beloved princess Zelda. Using the triforce of courage, and the master sword, the hero defeated Ganon, and the seven sages sealed him forever in the sacred realm, with no escape. However, the legends leave out one character that hindered link even more than ganondorf, himself, but is spoken only in mere whispers throughout the winds of history. That character is Kaepora Gaebora, a retarded twelve-foot tall owl that followed the hero, constantly rotated his head, and ranted on about useless stuff. When he was done ranting, he'd ask if the hero would like to hear it again. Of course, the hero would say no. Giving up, the owl would fly away, only to come back again soon. He'd blab on for another fifteen minutes straight, but instead ask if he got all of that. Instinctively, the hero used the same answer as last time: "No." Thus tricking him, the owl triumphantly started his grand speech over. Nobody knows this winged demon's origins… Gossip Stones say that he was a sage reincarnated. Guess what? They lie. They aren't called gossip stones for nothing. If you wish to know the owl's true origins… from his life, to his death, then listen to the tale I must tell… and if you've actually read this far, you deserve a medal for your patience…

Chapter 1 

Kaepora Gaebora was an old man of around ninety-eight. He had gray hair, and a really long beard, and fuzzy eyebrows. He lived inside the well located in Kakariko village. He was a half-deaf old man who loved to hear himself talk. His wife died a long time ago (Who was actually a Floormaster), and he thinks that everything reminds him of World War II. He has four children. The first is a human boy named Steve. The second is a wallmaster (…female…?) named Alice. The third was a Floormaster (male) named Fred. The last was a Cucco (don't ask) named Clyde.

Steve became a frog-like man who claimed to be the carpenter's son… even though he looked more like Smeagul. Alice left for the shadow temple, while Fred for the forest temple. The cucco migrated to Zora's River, where Link came one day and tortured the poor thing by seeing if he could take it to Zora's domain without it flying away on him… but that's thirty tries and five days later, and a whole 'nother story.

One day, Kaepora Gaebora climbed out of the well, and into the village, for once. They were all shocked, and ran away, insisting that a 'shadow demon' had escaped from the well. This is the reason why Impa had to seal the well a few years later. Gaebora walked to the castle. Suddenly, the moon dropped from the sky like a lead weight, and it became night. A wolf howled, and the drawbridge suddenly closed, leaving Gaebora trapped on the outside. Suddenly, he heard a snort behind him. Turning around, he saw a large black horse with a bright red mane, and demonic red eyes. On top of it, sat a large man in dark armor. A peasant walked by, and said: "Hello, Ganondorf." Very casually. However, upon noticing Gaebora, the old man from inside the well, he ran in terror, yelling: "Demon from the Well!"

Ganondorf, jealous and enraged that this old man inspired more fear into the people than he, the mighty king of evil did, used his dark magic to turn the old man into a retarded twelve foot tall owl. Laughing evilly, Ganondorf rode away.

**Chapter 2**

Kaepora Gaebora was now complete. He could fly the world searching for people to nag, because he liked to hear himself talk, and fill them with the useless knowledge he obtained inside the well. He knew the lands of hyrule well… hylians, gorons, zoras, deku, sheikah, gerudo… all of them, he tormented with his vast supply of useless knowledge and head twisting. Only one race he didn't touch: The kokiri. He then flew to the forest, and rested on a branch before he could continue… that is where he first saw the hero of time: Link.

Link, coming from the forest, ran into the owl, who began spreading his useless knowledge. It was from that day forward, that Kaepora Gaebora vowed to only stalk this one kid. And he did so. Hyrule Castle, Death Mountain peak, Lost Woods, Zora's River, Lake Hylia, hell, he was even seen flying over Lon Lon Ranch, and at the Desert Colossus!

However, it was at Zora's River where Kaepora Gaebora witnessed something he didn't like. Link tried to see if he could drag Clyde up the river and into Zora's Domain. Clyde would always fly back to the start. Obviously, the poor cucco wanted to be left alone, and reminisce with his long-lost father, Gaebora. Of course, Link continued to persist, and after five days straight of going up and down the river, trying to get Clyde into Zora's domain, Link succeeded. The Zoras had fried cucco that night. This made Gaebora angry, but he decided to let it pass.

However, when Gaebora eventually heard that Alice and Fred had met their ends at the tip of Link's master sword, Gaebora was out for blood. Link defeated Ganon, and set out for Termina. It was than that Kaepora Gaebora plotted… and waited… until Link's eventual return.

As soon as Link returned to Hyrule, Kaepora Gaebora swept down, and ate Link's ocarina. Link was mad, and shot the bird with his Fire arrows seventeen times, thus putting an end to the freakishly huge owl's life.

Epilogue So that's the story of the monstrous owl that we all know and hate. As for Steve… figure that out for yourself. Link never gave the ocarina back to Zelda, so she never spoke to him again. Poor link. Kaepora Gaebora was buried atop a cliff in the Kakariko graveyard. Around his grave was black and yellow tape that said: **CAUTION! WE MEAN IT! DO NOT BRING A FAIRY WITHIN TEN FEET OF THIS GRAVE, OR YOU'LL BRING AN EVIL WORSE THAN GANON BACK INTO THE WORLD! DON'T DO IT, MAN!**

Did everyone heed the caution tape, or did some foolish child go against what it said? I'll leave the rest up to you…

The End 

Ok, it's done. Let me know if you found it funny or not. Flame, and I won't really care… I'm only writing this chapter because I'm bored and at a loss of ideas for my other stories. Well, say what you want, as long as you ACTUALLY REVIEW THIS! Special thanks for any of you who actually took the time to read this nonsense!

-Biggoron


End file.
